Excerpts from Cameron’s speech, with competing narrative and snark added.

(The bold is me.)

With permission, Mr Speaker, I would like to make a Statement on Libya.

When we met here on that Friday in March, Qadhafi’s tanks bore down on Benghazi. His air force had already begun strikes against his people there. And his army had smashed through Zawiyah with grave loss of life. (60 people were killed in Zawiyah. For perspective, Assad has murdered about 2,500 people in Syria and 29,000 children have starved to death in Somalia over the same time period)

Qadhafi had vowed to hunt down his people like rats, using the full might of his armed forces, backed up by mercenaries (Such an icky word for “guys the government paid to fight”. We pay Blackwater to do bad things but we call them private contractors. This is especially tasteless given how, as we speak, The Libyan Opposition is now imprisoning/beating/murdering all the dark skinned people it can find under the guise of fighting mercenaries.)

Britain could not stand by as Qadhafi slaughtered his people. (Inexplicably happy to stand by while Assad does it though) Nor could we allow a failed pariah state festering on Europe’s southern border, with the potential to threaten our own security. (Pakistan is all “fuck you, bitch!”)

The Libyan Opposition (a lose affiliation of folks with unknown allegiances most assuredly simmering with latent ethnic and tribal conflicts) and the Arab League (the guys that financed 9/11) both called for NATO to protect the civilian population. So together with the US and France, we secured agreement for UN Security Council Resolutions 1970 and 1973. And with this clear legal mandate, this House voted by a majority of 544 in favour of military action. (Resolution 1973 demanded a ceasefire and authorized the international community to establish a no-fly zone and to use all means necessary short of foreign occupation to protect civilians. Resolution 1970 condemned the use of lethal force by Gaddafi against protesters and imposed a series of international sanctions. That’s it.  Everything that happened/happens after that is outside this legal mandate)

Today the Libyan people have taken their country back. (with the help of US and British logisticians, security advisers, forward air controllers, intelligence operatives, damage assessment and information from the CIA and other U.S. intelligence gleaned from their previous work with the Qadhafi government on counter terrorism *cough-rendition and torture-cough*. But other than that, it was all them.)

…This has been (the Libyan People’s) revolution and none of it would have happened without them (They did indeed provide a lovely pretext for an action we’ve been wanting to take for the longest time) Ordinary Libyans from all walks of life came together and rose up against Qadhafi. From the villages of the Nafusa mountains to the tower blocks of Misurata, the alleyways of Zawiyah and the streets of Benghazi, the Libyan people fought with incredible courage. (I just threw up in my mouth)

Many paid with their lives. Others have been seriously injured. And the struggle is not over. (There are black African “mercenaries” to hunt down, loyalists to ferret out and kill, old ethnic and tribal conflicts need to be played out to say nothing of sipping sweet crude oil out of Qadhafi’s yellow hat)

They still face forces loyal to a dictator who last week threatened to turn Libya “into a Hell.” (Though we told you 2 weeks ago that he was a gonner, toast, outta there, he can still do this…somehow...I guess.)

And the long work of building a new Libya is just beginning. But what is clear is that the future of Libya belongs to its people (well, it belongs to our business interests first, then by proxy to the people). The task of the international community now is to support them as they build that future (as we decide what shape we want Libya to take and they, hopefully, act grateful long enough for the public to lose interest) That means helping to finish the job – ensuring security, helping to address the immediate humanitarian needs (we blew up a lot of their stuff!) and supporting the Libyan people as they lead the longer-term process of reconstruction and political transition. Let me address each in turn.

First, finishing the job. (Yes! First, do everything, then move on to #2)

Britain has been at the forefront of the military operation to protect the Libyan people. (and seriously, we looked at Q and said, we can do better than this) Our planes and attack helicopters have made 2,400 sorties across Libya carrying out one fifth of all NATO airstrikes, against some 900 targets in Qadhafi’s war machine. (Ha! “War Machine” This includes the electrical grid, FYI. Aka the “Civilization Machine”)

…The National Transitional Council has been working to negotiate a peaceful outcome. But their leaders have explicitly requested that NATO continues its operations to protect civilians until that is achieved. (They don’t have any guns, planes or expertise of their own after all)

Over the weekend RAF Tornados struck eight military command and control installations South-West of Waddan and nine weapons and ammunition stores near Sirte. For as long as Qadhafi remains at large, the safety and security of the Libyan people remains under threat. (Hell-Fucking-Lo, those are Libyan people too, Mr. Cameron!)

So let me be clear. (Oh dear god, not you, too with the ‘let me be clear’ shit.)


We are ready to extend the NATO mandate for as long as is necessary. Second, we will support the Libyan people in bringing Qadhafi to justice. Mr Speaker, this is a man whose crimes are becoming ever more apparent every day (just like Dick Cheney!) and who is wanted by the International Criminal Court.

There must be no bolt-hole; no pampered hiding place from justice. (Yeah, Saddam got a fucking sweet bolt hole, let’s not let that happen again. Literally, we found him in a hole, ‘member?) He must face the consequences of his actions, under international and Libyan law. (This is Cameron trying not to have a ‘burial at sea’ problem. Cue the scathing side eye from President Obama)

… The police are returning to the streets. And the Council leaders have been clear and consistent in cautioning against disorder and against reprisals. (Oh no! Not “consistent cautioning” What’s next? The “comfortable chair”?)

Mr Speaker, Libya is a country of 6.5 million people. It’s one of the richest in Africa. Its proven oil reserves are the ninth largest in the world and in relation to their GDP, bigger than Saudi Arabia. (Cameron takes a break to fap a bit here)

Libya is fully capable of paying for its own reconstruction. Of course there is a role for foreign advice, help and support but we don’t want to see an army of foreign consultants driving around in four by fours giving the impression this is something being done to the Libyans, rather than done by them. (No, giving that IMPRESSION would be bad)

What the Libyans need above all is their frozen assets back. (so they can pay you to rebuild their stuff and invest in your projects)

… And for their part, we expect the new Libyan authorities to meet their pledge of ensuring transparent and accountable financial systems. (Hahahahahahahahaha! Weeeeeeeeeeeee!)

Next, political transition. Some people warned – as Qadhafi himself did – that the Libyan people could not be trusted with freedom; that without Qadhafi there would be chaos. (he was probably right about that)

What is emerging now, despite years of repression, and the trauma of recent months, is immensely impressive. Enormous difficulties lie ahead but the Libyan people are showing the world their resilience and spirit. (It’s been 2 weeks and they are still fighting so lets’ hold off with the freeze frame thumbs up CHiPs moment, k?)
In a far-reaching Roadmap and Constitutional Declaration the new authorities have set out a clear vision and process for a new democratic Libya. (We wrote this)

This is not being imposed from above; it is being shaped by the Libyan people. (No it isn’t)

And Libya’s new leaders are clear about the sort of Libya they want. (No they aren’t)

At the Paris Summit, Chairman Abdul- Jalil spoke of his determination to build a society of tolerance and forgiveness, with respect for the rule of law. (Biblical law, buzinga!)

A national conference will bring together all the tribes, civil society, men and women, from east and west, united to shape the political transition. (and they will get in arguments and go home to plan how to kill each other)
And they are planning for a new constitution and elections within 20 months. (not 19, not 21. I had no idea nation building was such a precise science.)

LEGACY (again, 2 weeks, Dude. Here you are sitting on your horse and the cart is like 2 towns over already)

Our relationship with the new Libya must of course deal with a series of problems from the past…It was because of accusations (also mountains of documentation) of complicity by the British Security Services in the mistreatment of detainees overseas, including rendition, that I took steps last July to sort this whole problem out...My concern throughout has been to deal with these accusations of malpractice (I guess you could call contracting out torture and murder malpractice) as to enable the Security Services to get on with the vital work they do. And because they can not speak for themselves, let me put on record once against our enormous gratitude for all they do to keep our country safe.

…On Syria, Britain will continue to lead the argument for a UN resolution to build on the EU’s oil embargo which is now in place. The message to President Assad must be clear: he has lost all legitimacy and can no longer claim to lead Syria. The violence must end. And he must step aside for the good of his country and his people. (at some point this needs to happen, maybe in 20 months when Libya is “Finished” or when Syria finds more oil, eh?)

Mr Speaker, it is the Libyan people who have liberated Libya. (This is a blatant misrepresentation of the facts)

There was no foreign occupying army. (You know they have an extremely narrow legal definition of this that they keep under their pillow at night)

This has been a Libyan-led process, assisted by the international community (a Libyan pretext was provided and we then took it over).

Libyans never wanted to have foreign troops on the ground (the ones that wanted Qadhafi out certainly did)

This was our view too, along with the Arab League and the rest of the international community. It was absolutely right. Many cynics proclaimed stalemate and asserted that Qadhafi would never be defeated. The Libyan people proved them wrong. (No one ever said that a NATO coalition led by the US and UK could not defeat Qadhafi. No one. Ever.)

It was a unique set of circumstances and not something that we can or wish to repeat all over the world. But I have never accepted the argument that because you can't do everything, you shouldn’t do anything. Mr Speaker, removing Qadhafi from power was a major achievement. (Didn’t you just say that wasn’t the point? Regime change was just a happy accident? Yes. And I am very, very tall)

Although the work is not yet done (Qadhafi is still out there after all, rooting around for a bolt hole), the Libyan people can be proud of what they have achieved and we can be proud of what we have done to help them (…do something they never would have been able to do on their own without a prolonged and painful period of civil war that might have ended with a non-friendly government in place somewhere that has oil that we need).